My City

Umbrellas floating amongst the atmosphere -
Like splashes of colour to
Soak up the rain - scatter themselves
Through trees and people: Red, Yellow, Blue
and Green. Splashes of fall and colours
Rise, the constant buzzing and bright noises.
Blazing sounds with rhythmic gestures
Passion soaring through electric bodies,
Rising and rising - crescendos of heartbeats,
Consistent, warmness, blurry feelings
A fugue of stories and a cacophony of
Heartfelt gestures. Lullabies fill the streets
of Pain, of Drink, of the student masses.
The city of my choice, she takes me
in her hand: we skip along the sidewalks
And we dance hands together amongst
Stars.

01/09/13

Let me shout out across the mountains
And seas with their waves crashing down
Ceaselessly and never ending, as you
smother my shouts and cover my mouth.

Let me sing to the moon as the stars dance
and cease my tears, as the music rises
To the heights of Olympus and the
harmonies sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Let me drown out the noise of the
Passers by, the wild nights and the
Nightmares, and the silence will
Float throughout your very bones.

Let me dance across the rivers
That flow through the valleys
Of silent streams and sailing hearts
That beat on against the current.

I've had plenty of time to think and mull things over since I got back from Italy. I went with my orchestra and performed at the most amazing places with some of the best people I have ever met.

I have never felt so close or comfortable or, even, accepted. I was sad it was over by the end and rather emotional.

Unfortunately, that was the last time I would perform with them as I will hopefully be heading to uni come September. It is also, not the point of this post. This year has been a massive challenge for me, more than many would know, and I have achieved a lot and come so far - that doesn't mean it was easy. I often feel people think I stroll through life with my 'talent' and don't have many difficulties. I have though, and I've had to go through them all mostly on my own. I do not deny I have the most supportive and amazing best friend and family (and now boyfriend) but they have their own problems and generally difficulties need to be worked out by you and only you, and I know that so well.
Throughout this year I've managed to do well in school, push myself in music and most recently receive a bursary for further education in music. Flinging myself into work has always helped me but it also makes you feel very lonely. Many things have happened and I really wonder how much I've changed. I know I have, as everyone does, but I feel it's for the better. Not many others make me feel like that. Everyone is drifting away and have given up already on friendships we've built up over the years. I hate that they make me feel I've changed for the worse because I don't see how. I've grown more confident, stronger and more determined. If anything I'm just less willing to take people's shit, but I have not become uncaring.

Getting ready for leaving has just made me more aware of the flaws in many things but also more grateful for everything I've got. I don't think I would change this year because right now I'm (mostly) happy within myself and proud of my family, best friend and boyfriend. I love them more than anyone could imagine, and more than I thought possible. It just makes me more certain that I shouldn't have to deal with what I do. I've made plenty of new friends this year and the kindness of strangers in the past few days has been astounding. It just makes it sadder whenever those who you feel close to see to lack this same kindness, or even enthusiasm towards you.

People need to stop treating me like some therapist whilst also ignoring my advice and just ranting on at me. I do try, I really do but people make it so hard sometimes. I'm hoping to say goodbye, and start afresh in so many ways, regardless if I get into uni or not. I need to let go of lose ends and free myself from damaging emotions. I've been enjoying my summer so much so far and I've been away from a lot of people, and to me, that's very telling.
Here's to hoping it will all be over soon.



- Jay

Summer

The smell of you will always be summer to me:
The sun's rays shining upon us as we held hands,
Happiness and laughter, soft caresses of love;
The light of the red moon and sounds of crashing waves
On our bare, exposed feet. The warmth of your touch,
The sensation of your embrace. Content.

Summer: ice-cream dribbling all over our hands
Stolen kisses and stolen time;
Overwhelming happiness by your very presence,
The glittering happy eyes, the upturn of your mouth,
Losing all our senses, running through the silky sand
This is what summer smells of, and you.

The smell of summer, it will keep me warm
When I sit in my bed, cold and alone.

14/7/13

Sun, love and excitement
The tight breaths and running feet,
Jumping to the moon on days the sun shone.
Spinning me up and around, backwards, forwards,
A mountain to climb - me a champion sommersaulter
These are the days I love
Haziness mixed with love
The days I'll never forget:
the days I never got.

10/6/13

The sun rises every morning
To  the silent, serene valley of untainted beauty.
It sends rays over the sleeping lovers,
Their faces glowing from last night
Its warmth finds its way to the pained faces
of sufferers before the masks are made.
The lonely hearts hear the sun's song
As it sings to them alone, faintly and delicately.
The sun hears the silent pleas of the lost souls
And the beating hearts of the lovesick masses.
The sun sees it all as the city sleeps, exposed:
Before the people have a chance to hide.

Dedicated to my Darling

Your husky, enchanting voice paints a perfect portrait
                                                  of the fading sun on a cool summer evening
                                                                         As you dictate Winter’s Lost
                                                                                                           Tale
                                                                      and the moonlight seeks your
                                                                                                        hands
                                     to grasp the beautiful glow and shimmer of your face
                                                                when the stars alight in your eyes
                                                 and the trees sway to the beat of your heart
                                                      as they Echo and Resound leaving silence
                                                                                            On your tongue
                                       and your lips remind me of the warmth of a rainfall’s
                                                                                                      aftertaste
                                                               from summer days that I try so hard
                                                                                                       to define
                                                          in my journal and thunder is always my
                                                                 favourite shade of heaven because
                                                                                                    everything
                                                                 seems to slip into silence in a split-
                                                                                                          second 
                                                                                ( but just for a moment )
                                                                  before a rainbow of sounds start to
                                                                      play in your musical movements
                                                               I  yearn to catch butterflies and place
                                                                        them in a jar just so they could
                                                                                         colour the darkness
                                                                                             within your mind
                                                                   I desire to sing summer’s lullaby to
                                                   you just so your eyes may close and mind rest
                                                       and i pray to be your early morning sunrise
                                                                         so that i can lift the tears away
                                                            and bring warmth to the sadness just so
                                                                     I could be the first to kiss you and
                                                                                       the last to hold you in
                                                                                                  my arms again

Flutters, stutters,
Moments stop - the world mutters.
Heart resounding:
Soon I'm falling,
People calling
Screaming, dreaming,
Falling,
falling
Always knowing
This is
Forever,
Forever
an Illusion.

All Over Again

With a blurry distorted sight
Grey colours fade, try as I might
The eyes begin to close
Sounds beat onto my window as the wind blows
Voices intermingle and sounds intervwine,
Speaking to me softly, your hand rests in mine
Cold and bare against my skin
You never stayed long enough to let me in
Trees rustle in the wind and flowers grow
The grip tightens as I try to let go
The sun blazes and scorches me
You've become blind and unable to see:
The scars and bruises remain
And still you do it all over again.

The Silence

We patiently wait with great anticipation
The dawning of a new day, the awaited moment
only for it to disappear, fading after it’s only begun.
Suns will rise and suns will set, moments grow,
And moments fade. Forever waiting and forever
Reaching forward and reaching backwards. Moments
go too fast, and moments slip before we grasp them.
We run past the clock, trying to out run what pursues us
Black and rotten in form, it comes on in Silence
No ripples in the water, no wind but instead:
Nothing. We patiently wait for the moments,
But hopelessly run from the one the pursuer
That will always catch up and cause the Silence.

By the Light of the Moon

The waxing moon reveals your face
The maddening beauty,
The fading scars
Passion and intellect
fall from your soft lips
hesitation pervades as you speak
The stars and moon compliment you,
In your maddening, beautiful effervescence
The beautiful enigma, is revealed by the moon.