Unfortunately, that was the last time I would perform with them as I will hopefully be heading to uni come September. It is also, not the point of this post. This year has been a massive challenge for me, more than many would know, and I have achieved a lot and come so far - that doesn't mean it was easy. I often feel people think I stroll through life with my 'talent' and don't have many difficulties. I have though, and I've had to go through them all mostly on my own. I do not deny I have the most supportive and amazing best friend and family (and now boyfriend) but they have their own problems and generally difficulties need to be worked out by you and only you, and I know that so well.Throughout this year I've managed to do well in school, push myself in music and most recently receive a bursary for further education in music. Flinging myself into work has always helped me but it also makes you feel very lonely. Many things have happened and I really wonder how much I've changed. I know I have, as everyone does, but I feel it's for the better. Not many others make me feel like that. Everyone is drifting away and have given up already on friendships we've built up over the years. I hate that they make me feel I've changed for the worse because I don't see how. I've grown more confident, stronger and more determined. If anything I'm just less willing to take people's shit, but I have not become uncaring.
Getting ready for leaving has just made me more aware of the flaws in many things but also more grateful for everything I've got. I don't think I would change this year because right now I'm (mostly) happy within myself and proud of my family, best friend and boyfriend. I love them more than anyone could imagine, and more than I thought possible. It just makes me more certain that I shouldn't have to deal with what I do. I've made plenty of new friends this year and the kindness of strangers in the past few days has been astounding. It just makes it sadder whenever those who you feel close to see to lack this same kindness, or even enthusiasm towards you.
People need to stop treating me like some therapist whilst also ignoring my advice and just ranting on at me. I do try, I really do but people make it so hard sometimes. I'm hoping to say goodbye, and start afresh in so many ways, regardless if I get into uni or not. I need to let go of lose ends and free myself from damaging emotions. I've been enjoying my summer so much so far and I've been away from a lot of people, and to me, that's very telling.
Here's to hoping it will all be over soon.
- Jay
